The changing tides of friendships after having a baby
The other day I was sitting down with a postnatal doula client, talking about her experience with friends and how becoming a mum had impacted her friendships. So, I thought I might reflect now on the journey of friendships after becoming a mother in this post…
Before embarking on the rollercoaster ride of motherhood, I was that friend who couldn't quite grasp the magnitude of what my mummy friends were experiencing. I offered sympathetic nods and words of encouragement, but deep down, I couldn't fully comprehend the seismic shift that occurred in their lives. I was also the friend who bought cute dresses when their babies were born and arrived at their houses wanting to hold the baby, without holding the mum or bringing a meal with me. Little did I know that soon, I would be navigating the same uncharted territory.
The first seismic shift came in the form of my own identity. Suddenly, I found myself in a new role - that of a mother. With this new identity came a profound transformation in my friendships. My friends (those from uni, school, work, travel etc) with kids understood the sleepless nights, the endless nappy changes, and the rollercoaster of emotions that come with parenthood. They were my lifeline, my tribe, my sounding board when the world seemed overwhelming. But amidst their own parental duties, finding time to catch up became a logistical puzzle.
On the other hand, I felt that my friends without children might have struggled to comprehend the seismic shift in my life. Our conversations, once filled with laughter and spontaneity, now revolved around baby milestones and sleep routines and I found it difficult to connect with what was going on in their lives. It was a bittersweet realisation that our paths were diverging, albeit temporarily.
Then there were the new mum friends - fellow warriors in the trenches of motherhood. While we bonded over sleep deprivation and breastfeeding woes, there was a lingering sense of loss for the person I was before becoming a mum. I fondly remembered the carefree days of impromptu outings and adventures, wondering if I would ever reclaim that sense of spontaneity.
In the depths of the fourth trimester, I grappled with a sense of identity crisis. I mourned the loss of my pre-baby self, questioning if I would ever feel like "me" again. I’d often think to myself - gosh, I used to have a sense of humour which felt totally lost in those early days (I like to hope it has returned a little now!).
Yet, amidst the chaos of motherhood, I discovered a newfound resilience and strength I never knew existed. Slowly but surely, I embraced my evolving identity, finding solace in the messy, beautiful journey of motherhood.
As I reflect on the evolution of my friendships post-baby, I realise that change is inevitable. Motherhood has taught me the importance of flexibility, empathy, and grace in nurturing relationships. While some friendships may ebb and flow with the tides of life, others deepen and flourish, rooted in shared experiences and unwavering support.
To my fellow mums navigating the unpredictable waters of motherhood, remember that you are not alone. Embrace the evolution of your friendships, cherish the moments of connection, and trust that true friends will stand by you through every twist and turn. And above all, never forget the incredible strength and resilience that resides within you. You've got this, mama.